Whether in our homes, schools, communities, or workplaces violence is a very serious problem. Worst case is ignoring it or pretending it is a one time occurrence without considering third party intercession.

There is an aggressor and a victim and sometimes but not always an instigator.  When it occurs we have to be careful we don’t further victimize the victim. That may seem totally logical and even counter-intuitive, why would anyone do that?  One reason encountered is the victim blames themselves. Another is that in our process on resolving conflict we may focus on the aggressor as the key to resolution.  For some reason we may be driven to understand why the aggressor committed the violence. In doing so we may give an aggressor an opportunity to claim provocation and the victim may begin to shift responsibility to themselves. Not being a psychologist I can only offer observations and my own experience in dealing with these cases.

A few steps to guard against creating an imbalance or worse is to:

·         Use terminology which clearly identifies the role each played in the violence. In most cases P1 you were the aggressor, P2 you are the victim.

·         Give each equal time for input.

·         Be careful in dealing with issues of blame. In my private practice I spend some separate time with each party in order to gauge what they will bring to a joint session.

·         Look for ways to create a dialogue between the parties by for example getting enough background to understand the environment within which the parties have interacted. Doing that often results in the parties engaging in dialogue.

·         Be careful and cognizant of emotions at play in these situations, the body language, gestures, etc. Intercede when and as necessary.

·         Summarize, reframe, reflect often as the other side may only hear when a third party says it.

·         Allow sufficient time for breaks and take them when progress stalls or starts getting counterproductive.

·         Don’t lose heart. In many cases resolution is possible but the parties have not yet figured it out.

·         Search for background, context, other factors behind an episode of violence.  There may be one or more issues there.  For example in a workplace context look for problems at home.

These cases are difficult. Keep in mind that in the best interest of the parties it is not just resolving past violence but in coming up with steps to prevent and avoid future conflict which results in violence.

At a recent seminar I heard a complaint about mediation voiced by an attorney who bemoaned the cost in time and money to her client when she asks for $100K and the counter-offer was $2,500 and neither side budged no matter how many hours are spent in the mediation. I didn’t hear too many great suggestions. The next time I was tested in this manner I asked, “How do you expect me to bridge this gap.” Response, “that’s your job.”  Great!

Why do clients come in with such divergent views. Some time ago I gave up trying to understand when I asked “where did you get that number?” Answer –“I pulled it out of the air”. That attorney left the mediation for a preposterous reason, leaving his client to face a declaration of impasse by herself. Good faith bargaining? Malpractice?

So, this time I suggested “let’s not waste our time and why don’t we go home so you can get your case ready for trial?” That changed the dynamics in the mediation real quick. Lucky stroke? In this particular case, yes. Sometimes circumstances dictate a quick retreat from  seeming impasse. What else can I do? Well, one thing I know for sure and, that is, even though the clients may initially not mention there is money involved, ask them. There’s nothing worse then spending hours negotiating on everything but money and then find out there are these extremely divergent amounts being requested and counter-offered.  By that time the parties are exhausted and you can’t get anywhere. Sometimes it’s the seemingly nicest and most gentle negotiators who lead a negotiation down this path. Maybe it’s their negotiating strategy.

At times a party hasn’t even thought about the money because of emotions involved in other issues. They need time to think about money during the negotiation, but they need the issue on the table early on. Of course there are cases like neighbor disputes which don’t involve money but many cases if not most, do.

Then there are the more tricky ones like when it comes to workplace discrimination where an employees demand is ridiculously low, lost (minimum) wages, and they totally believe in their case, while the employer doesn’t buy either the demand for money or the case itself. Both sides spend more money in time and fees then in settling. Those cases can be tough.

If it’s about the money deal with it. The rest follows, is often the rule in cases involving money and other issues. Don’t declare impasse without knowing there’s a money demand because money can often soften a lot of pain. Maybe, it’s the American way.

I live on an island where so far, space and distance from the mainland limit the number of residents and yet we have our share of conflict between teens and teens in conflict with adults.  We do have a peer mediation program at a number of our schools but at fewer schools then before. 

I’ve had a number of cases involving teens and one highlight of dealing with teens has been highlighting peer mediators in our ACR Hawaii and MCP, Inc. sponsored conflict resolution day celebration in 2008. Our program can viewed at http://olelo.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=19&clip_id=6704.

In mediation cases I’ve dealt with teens in conflict in neighbor with neighbor disputes, conflict between teens, and with teens and their employers. One lesson out of all of this is - we need to do a better job developing negotiation skills in our teens.

Parental involvement and support in negotiating rather than continuing adversarial confrontation is also key.  The role of parents is so critical. Often they are a tremendous aid in teen conflicts while at other times they can be part of an issue becoming overly adversarial to the detriment of reaching, what would otherwise be just fine if only the teens are involved, agreement.

I’ve also been involved with young adults, some just out of their teens, in parenting disputes due to separation of partners or even divorces with children.  In all cases understanding the differences in life experience, sometimes even naiveté, are elemental to grasping what a teen considers to be important for them. 

Another aspect is ascertaining their expectations. Sometimes they are too high while at other times ridiculously low – striking a balance (do we mediators play a role in that balancing?) can become more difficult.

Overall however, it is unwise to underestimate teens. They can be creative, insightful, and flexible. From them emanates optimism, resiliency, and natural talent. They are a joy to deal with. And as a mediator I realize I’m not their parent and accept that sometimes they view me as just another adult making their lives more difficult. I learn a lot from these encounters. Agreements are reached.

In a business with business relationship

Owner @ 15:54 PM

What are examples of benefits that conflict resolution processes bring to a project team?

1. Proactive conflict avoidance, prevention, and resolution, while minimizing post project claims.
2. Project focus (and progress) is maintained.
3. Consistency in problem solving.
4. Consistency in preparation required by participating parties.
5. Ease in educating across project portfolio teams.
6. Ease of implementation.
7. Cost effectiveness, cost avoidance, at times cost savings as conflict resolution opens up opportunities.
8. Is readily incorporated into contracts including agreement on who to use for facilitation, mediation, and arbitration (which is already a widely used means of resolving disputes by a fact finder arbitrator).
9. Leads to development of alternatives disputing parties would otherwise not air or consider.

What are examples of facilitation, mediation, and arbitration issues in project conflicts.

1. TS is having a disagreement with one his suppliers over the status of modules representing critical steps in the process.  The discussions are becoming counterproductive with emotions running high. They need a third party to agree to a process by which to objectively determine the status along with the reasons behind any delays.  A mediator intercedes to guide focus them on a process by which they agree to proceed without disrupting on-going efforts.
2. Owners team needs facilitation of a problem solving effort involving a problem in the field involving software, hardware, and a key utility system.  The facilitator guides the participants using fishbone diagrams.
3. There’s a conflict developing over costs being charged by a contractor providing a one time service.  He is willing to have an arbitrator utilize fact finding and rendering a decision. The arbitrator guides the participants through a process specifically modified for these types of problems in project execution. A post project claim is prevented. Fact finding is facilitated because of the currency of the issue.

Having carefully defined the processes to be utilized in the teams charter, SOP’s, and contract, etc. the owner contractor processes are utilized to resolve internal and owner contractor issues.  Arbitration is handled by owners procurement and contractors sales manager utilizing the facts provided by team members involved. The teams time is utilized to manage continued progress in getting things done. The PM and contractor management is only involved as appropriate. Owner and contractor managements reserve the right to disagree and proceed through to litigation if they do not feel agreements reached are in their best interest.

More to follow

Construction Project Team Conflicts and Project Management

Mediation and Networking

What does mediation and word of mouth networking have in common?  The answer is clients obtained through word of mouth referrals. Better yet are qualified referrals. Can a mediator succeed in regularly getting qualified referrals through a diverse business referral network? I’m finding out. I am a member of the Living Green Chapter of BNI.

A referral takes three people;

·         the giver (making the referral),

·         the receiver of the name of a person, and

·         the subject (the person needing the service). 

I have provided referrals and I’ve become the groups trainer.  Being on the leadership team raises my contact with the group and my visibility so that my colleagues can assess what I can do on a weekly basis.

How does my business network group work? In our chapter each of us gets 60 seconds each week to tell our business referral partners what we do, how we’re different from our competition and the type of client we are seeking.  We schedule one to ones to learn about the other members business and for them to learn about mine. 2 or 3 times per year I get 10 minutes to explain to the group what I do. I’ve been involved for almost 6 months now with very limited success.  There are still members who think of me as some kind of attorney. Let’s start with a list why I may not yet be getting referrals on a regular basis.

·         Perhaps I’ve not yet connected with my network and my network partners are not yet prepared to give referrals. They may not know what I need.

·         They may not have an objective standard by which to measure my performance. I don’t provide them with testimonials.

·         They may not have easy access to my ideal prospects.

·         I may not be breaking down my needs in bite size pieces they can use in making a referral to me.

·         They may have a concern with privacy issues. 

It is a lot easier for members of my group to make referrals to someone running a salon, fixing cars, selling insurance, or handling real estate. It is easy to assume that there is conflict in each of the areas just mentioned. However, even though we know each other fairly well members of the group have a hard time relating to mediation. Most people can relate to attorneys. Many have not been involved in a legal dispute. Most have not been involved in mediation. So, members of my group may not feel comfortable and take the step of suggesting mediation to a client who says they have a pending separation, divorce, a business issue with a client, a property dispute, because they just don’t understand mediation as a process. Think about it, they get their hair done, their cars fixed, they have purchased insurance, bought or sold property. They can relate to those activities. Not so with mediation.

So I am:

·         Developing and executing a system for getting referrals. Some steps:

·         Educating givers and explaining my client needs well

·         Providing focus and being consistent is what I’m asking for in terms of clients

·         Breaking down my client needs into bite size pieces they can work with in those instances where they learn of a conflict in progress or a desire to avoid and prevent conflict

·         Practice givers gain. Give referrals. Bring visitors. Attend the weekly meetings. Spend one or two hours on networking and referral development. Attend at least one other networking group meeting as often as available.

·         Develop and highlight testimonials.

I'll follow up with results over the next several months