Best Interest of a separating couples Child is often dependent on their ability to focus on the child in the parents communicaitions. In a divorce or separation do children suffer the most? In the mediations I conduct I can, and do probe and ask about how the children are doing.  

What business is it of mine? Well the answers they provide are more important to the parents than to me. It’s a way to focus the parents, who are often in a “marital war”, on the child or children. A risk in creating the child as a focal point is that a parent may use what they say as a weapon against their former spouse. It is a sensitive area. But I have to deal with those challenges as any other issue in a conflict. Another intent is to see what the similarities and differences are in their view about a child. Often there are differences in views – how well a child is doing in school – their sociability – special needs – parents views on religion, sports – who they get along with and who a parent feels is causing them problems – if there’s a significant other, then how does the other parent perceive that person – how parents feel the other is getting along with the child, time spent, presence, behavior, communications, etc.

Communications between separating parents can often be characterized as adversarial. Many times other aspects of the “marital wars” come into play – stories about infidelity, drinking, smoking, friends who the other parents feel are unsavory, lack of trust, anger, thirst for revenge, again etc.

Bringing and keeping the parents focus on a child and their welfare is a goal that I strive for in every mediation. I put special emphasis on communications because if the communications start and continue to be dysfunctional even comprehensive agreements fall apart.

That is why providing clarity to communications between the parents about the child, in my opinion, is such an important mediation objective. I find myself spending more and more time and focusing more on the parents’ communications process and plan. If I can get parents to focus on the child and at least start off communicating collaboratively, because it is part of their agreement, then I am more secure that an  agreement with the best interests of a child has a better chance of being sustainable.

I'm delighted in the progress of this blog and I intend to keep it going as long as there is interest. I'm also pleased to announce I've started a new blog which will require increased effort to populate and maintain. In order to be able to provide this venue I will be adding advertising to the blog. I hope that visistors to the blog will find the material posted interesting enough to not only visit but also to provide feedback and comments. My new blog can be found at:

http://preventavoidresolveconflict.blogspot.com/

Mahalo for your continued and hopefully growing interest in the subjects covered conerning avoiding, preventing, resolving conflict.

Romance in the workplace. Think about it. How much time do we spend in the workplace environment? How much time do we spend traveling with members of our organization staying at the same hotel, attending conferences, training, project work, etc.? The workplace is a hub for romantic relationships. One of my favorite shows is NBC’s  “The Office”. Take note of what they do with the subject of workplace romance. It can be funny but for individuals and organizations it can be both terrific and tragic. We’re just starting to explore this subject in our Community Television series on “avoid, prevent, resolve conflict” but I’m already fascinated by the subject. From a conflict resolution professionals perspective it can cover areas like the consequences to individuals of a failed romantic break-up involving children and from an organizations perspective it can involve claims of sexual harassment and from both individual and organization it can involve conflicts of interest. Romances in the offices can be lateral, involving peers, or it can be hierarchical, like boss and subordinate. It can involve issues dealing with productivity, motivation, favoritism, and it can be consensual or unwelcome or it can start as welcome and wind up acrimonious. Office romance can be hidden, discrete, in the open, or rumor driven. Individual romance can impact an entire group. Office romances can break up families – the discovered letter, photograph, gift, or actual encounter.

Organizations tackle the realities of workplace romance through education, policies, procedures, use of experts, or by viewing them as the responsibility of individual employees. Sexual harassment claims can have serious consequences to organizations. They can be costly. Given the realities of most workplaces, putting people in close proximity with others who share common interests in an already collaborative setting create an environment where romance can flourish, but likewise make it difficult to disengage. Conflict resolution professionals can play constructive roles in dealing with the issues faced by the individuals themselves and between individuals and their organizations. One key aspect of our involvement in this area is to be cognizant about linkages in workplace romances between individuals and organizations.

In a learning disability claim episode we will be airing on community television in March we present a case of a failure to accommodate a learning disabled student. A couple of issues are highlighted which may be of interest. Here are a few of the issues:

·         An educational facility does have a responsibility to provide education to all students including those with disabilities. Failure to do so hurts the student, which is tragic enough, and can damage the institution itself in a subsequent action for compensation, damages, etc.

·         Failure to act is just that, failure. Institutions can have the greatest policies and procedures but individual educators responsible for a class can be the weakest link in the chain. For example, do they know enough about disabilities? Do they know enough to call for help should a situation arise? Do they act in a timely manner? Do they understand the risk of ignoring a disabled student? Do they know how to, or where to go for help within the institution and what types of accommodations can be made. For example, do they know about diabetes, that it is increasingly recognized as a disability, and that if they deny the ability for treatment they may in fact not only jeopordize a student but be guilty of discrimination?

·         On the other hand, do students with disabilities and or their caretakers and providers fulfill their responsibility of making a disability known to an institution? Learning disabilities are not easily recognized. A student suffering medically significant swings in blood sugar levels due to diabetes may be too embarrassed to make their condition known to their institution until they pass out in a classroom.

·         In our episode there is humiliation and embarrassment followed by withdrawal from the school. There is no physical injury. Is that enough for pain and suffering damages in your jurisdiction?

Mediation can and does play a significant role in these types of cases and may be the avenue of choice or be part of the legal process in your jurisdiction. If you are a claimant you need to identify what is most important to the student. As an institution, in our case, interpreted what they heard from the claimant and offered not just money but a chance at rebuilding the esteem of the student. The lesson there is that institutions have to discern what is important to a student and deal with the issues accordingly. Of course institutions also have to maintain a respectful skepticism because not all claims reach the level of discrimination nor the level of compensation being asked for.

Dramatic disclosures do occur in mediation and swing the pendulum towards resolution. A mothers plea “you’re not going to take my child away from me” in a divorce case is one such statement which has worked. Another is the drama behind a disclosure by a parent of their child’s fragility in a teen conflict is another example.  Most often there are only very subtle or no disclosures which occur in mediation and it is mostly a matter of negotiation which drives issues towards resolution. In any case mediators have to constantly have their antennas up and tuned to a high level of sensitivity as to what is being said because opponents too often don’t hear each other with the same sensitivity. A few examples may be helpful.

In a disability claim where a plaintiff is asking for a lot of money because of a failure by a teaching institution to accommodate for learning disabilities, is it about the money? In an episode we are preparing for Hawaii’s community television the script called for the vignette ending with an offer for compensation a lot less than being asked for. Yet our actor, who is in fact a mediator, picked up that what was more important in this case, even though just an act, was to restore the self esteem of the student. His improvised offer was geared to doing just that and it worked. The actor playing the role of a mother reacted with surprise and delight at this offer. One of our other actors, who played mediator wondered whether the money offered was insufficient. So had he played the role of a parent the same approach probably would not have worked. And so it is many cases. Not that mediators are always right and don’t turn their perceptions into conflict themselves. But the message is, reading people is a key component of a negotiation and mediators can play a key role in grasping what needs a party has to move a case to resolution. How and whether a mediator communicates or uses this information is part of the successful practice of mediation.