People who perceive themselves as victims, often a Plaintiff, are sometimes perceived as wanting nothing more than money in compensation for their emotional pain. So sometimes it is natural to turn very quickly to the money. Then when they are pressed to announce the sums they want opponents are totally surprised by what they consider impossible demands. Had they been heard and sensed empathy from the other side they may be more flexible. In the meantime opponents may have already seeded a perception on the part of a victim the opponent just doesn’t care. Things deteriorate from there and impasse ensues and emotions are further inflamed. On the other hand in some cases it is about the money and if an opponent caves they feel like they have been taken for a ride. This happens with manipulative victims feigning a greater hurt for the purpose of gaining negotiating leverage.

In such cases it is difficult to judge which side a victim occupies. Where there are artificial boundaries, such as time limits on a mediation session, a victim wanting to be heard doesn’t get enough air time and can get lost towards resolution. Where there is time, how much is enough. Sometimes statements of pain and hurt become repetitious and the monologue becomes accusative and increasingly negative sparking the ire of an opponent who might have been otherwise sympathetic in what was initially being conveyed.

If a victim is trying to manipulate the other side into sympathy and succeeds by getting a sympathetic response then spurns an offer because they sense blood that’s no good either.

For a mediator these situations present a challenge because reading it wrong and acting on such impulses harms or dooms a mediation.  However reading it right can quickly facilitate movement towards resolution. Recognizing where a victim is coming from and where an opponent is leaning may take some probing and that’s an area where separate sessions have significant utility. A mediator can ask questions of the victim in private session which will be answered very differently than when posed in joint session.  Likewise with an opponent. The manipulative parties are more difficult to deal with because even in private session they can feign pretty well and be quite convincing of their emotional state. One possibility is the use of reality testing to ascertain how far a manipulative victim or unmovable opponent are willing to go on the “I must be heard side”.

Most mediators are not trained psychologists but with enough experience we can become quite discerning and provide our clients with a “neutral” view of what they want to accomplish and what it is they want as a resolution in an environment of choice and maintaining the right of decision which is what differentiates mediation from litigation or arbitration.