In an interview for community tv yesterday I was asked what and how do you avoid conflict? I gave the best answer I could and later started to think about it some more. I increasingly start with a basic, disagreement is a part of any human endeavor. Disagreements become an issue when they turn into conflict. So, the best way to avoid dispute, besides not entering into any kind of business with business, business with client, or interpersonal relationships (even then we can’t escape the fact that we share limited resources, space, etc.) is to be prepared to deal with disagreement. In a business with business or business with client relationship it can be done through vehicles like a contract, which isn’t just about words but is indeed committed to by the people entering the relationship. In an interpersonal relationship there is a formal way to deal with this in the pre-nuptial agreements which not only spell out the consequences of a break-up but processes by which to deal with disagreements. Spelling out a process is not enough. People entering a relationship should also commit to a third party who they trust and are willing to mutually commit to as an intercessor when disagreements occur. Finally there are the issues related to the skills that a third party needs to have in order to be effective. A third party can be an individual or it could be, more broadly, an organization.

All mediators, for example, see people who have agreed to utilize mediation but have no commitment to the process and furthermore don’t even know the individual or the organization they are asking for services. So lack of commitment often means positional bargaining which instead of avoiding conflict becomes a source of additional conflict. All mediators see people who have waited too long and the disagreement comes with a broken trust between the people in the relationship. Knowing when to call for help is a key ingredient in forestalling disagreement from becoming conflict. And, too often the people reaching agreement on a process don’t know anything or very little about it and so they don’t prepare to use the process in an effective way. Not only that but people enter into relationships blindly and do not even consider whether or not disagreement can be a factor.

In the good old days when people lived in a community where they knew and trusted each other a third party intercessor who everyone in the relationship trusted could have been an “elder” who could today be considered an evaluative mediator. Today the complexity of relationships is often much more complex or more specialized and a third party needs additional skills which requires a professional in the field. Relationships are very often impersonal and once established pass to someone else than the person we dealt with in establishing it.

To avoid conflict prepare for disagreement to occur and establish steps by which to avoid it from becoming conflict. Understand when a third party may be required. Understand the processes to which a commitment is being made. Choose a third party to utilize when disagreements arise. Know when to call for help. And, most importantly make a mutual commitment to utilize the process and third party as each of you monitor the relationships looking for signs of disagreement shifting towards conflict. Pull the trigger and even if it’s too early utilize the benefits of the processes and professionals you have engaged and make it part of your cost in doing business and dealing with interpersonal relationships recognizing such factors as over half of marriages today end in failure ( a very sad but nonetheless reality). Conflict can be avoided in other ways and that’s a subject for another blog. If you have other ideas in this area don’t hesitate to provide the feedback.