When teens are in dispute and adults get involved is it good to hold a mediation with both the teens and adults present? Are thee alternatives?

 

Before considering the benefits and drawbacks consider the three examples which follow:

1. Two teens have a dispute. One teen has a following and together they intimidate the other teen to the point she calls her father who shows up on the school grounds to protect his teen (John). There is a confrontation between the father and the teen causing the intimidation on school grounds. School officials get involved, police arrive, and the parent is escorted off the school grounds. The parents of the teen causing the intimidation (Brad) are called by the concerned father and they argue. They agree on mediation. In this case John has already confronted the intimidating teen and his parents Brad. John brings his daughter while John does not. Good idea?

 

Here’s what happens. The parents do all the talking, negotiating, deciding on an agreement without the input of the intimidating teen. John lets it be known that he has already taken punitive action against his intimidating teen.

 

1. One teen assaults another teen. Long afterwards issues simmer and look like they are heading to the boiling point. The aggressors parent (Alice) asks for mediation in the hopes of preventing another fight. The victims parents (Butch) agree. Both teens are present. Good idea?

 

Here’s what happens. Butch reveals a very serious physical problem with his teen and the potential (including fatal) consequences of another fight. Both teens recognize the seriousness of the problem and reconcile. Both parents are very supportive.

 

 

2. Two teens are part of a family involved in a neighbor with neighbor dispute. The neighbor is an elderly woman (Rita) who has lived in the area forever as the teens and the parents (Dave) are only recent arrivals in the neighborhood. Dave and the teens are present. Good idea?

 

Here’s what happens. Dave’s teens are given an opportunity to provide their perspective and are disrespectful of and offensive to Rita. Despite lengthy discussions no agreement is reached because Rita is so offended by what the teens said, her trust in Dave and his teens is totally broken. She is going to seek a permanent restraining order.

 

Let’s consider the benefits and drawback of having teens involved in a mediatin with both adults and the teens present.

 

On the benefits side:

·         Provides the teens with experience about the consequences of their actions which they might not realize without adults present. The potential consequences of another fight as revealed in case 2 above.

·         Provides the teens a ‘safe environment” in which they have the opportunity to communicate with each other through a third party adult. The presence of well behaved adults adds to their feeling of safety.

·         Provides the teens interaction between themselves and adults also involved in the dispute. In case 2 the victims parent dramatically reveals the medical predicament of her teen and the potential for fatal consequences should another fight occur.

·         Can be very a very positive life experience by providing focus on their issues and needs. In case 2 and after the mediation the teens are seen hugging each other in an act of true reconciliation.

 

On the drawback of having the teens in with a mixture of their peers and adults:

·         They may feel a very significant power imbalance. In case 1 the teen being intimidated appears totally confused and disoriented, surrounded by adults.

·         They may be so immature they don’t realize the impact that what their saying may be offensive to adults and have consequences on the issues involved. In case 3 it is the teens offensive and abusive statements which doom the mediation.

·         The adults themselves may exhibit conflict behaviors themselves and between themselves. In case 3 the adults with the teens set the stage for confrontation which was followed in kind by their teens.

 

The above is only a small sampling of the issues when teens are involved in a dispute or adults are mixed in during mediation. Points to consider:

·         Preparation. Teens are just like anyone coming to mediation they have to be prepared and in a way that recognizes the presence of adults.

·         Adults can set the tone which their teens emulate.

·         Parents usually best understand the maturity of their teens and any supplemental help that will need to be provided by the adults to make up for their immaturity.

·         Teens may have access to peer mediation of their dispute and even if the parents are involved peer mediation may be as good as if not better than a mediation involving both parents and their teens. A question to ask is whether the underlying dispute needs to be settled first before tackling the adult dispute.

·         Mediation is best when there is collaboration, conducted as problem solving, and with an understanding there is likely to be negotiation involved. Making sure that both adults and the teens are in this mindset is critical.

·         Teens and the adults may be best served if they look at mediation as not only resolution in the present but what is the take away message from a mediation 3 or 6 months from now.

·         Teens and adults may also have to consider such factors as “peer pressure”, face, their standing in their peer group, etc. in resolution of their disputes and the priority such factors have when reaching resolution.

·         Adults should never underestimate the power and creativity of a teens mind nor their views about what’s important to them nor should adults ignore such considerations.