A prisoners dilemma - relationships - mediation
We’ve just finished filming our version of “prisoner’s dilemma – a classic case study worthy of consideration of anyone dealing with trust. In this dilemma we encounter a prosecutor making the same deal to two prisoners – accomplices in a crime. They were arrested and held separately so they have not been able to communicate with each other when faced with the following offer:
1. Talk – give the police all the information about the crime. If you do so and you’re accomplice doesn’t – you go free – accomplice goes to jail for a long time.
2. Don’t talk – and your accomplice does talk – you go to jail for a very long time – accomplice goes to jail for a very long time.
3. You both talk – you’ll both go to jail for a somewhat shorter time – both of you will serve time.
I wrote a script – letting the actors improvise. The action took on its own life. The prosecutor became more descriptive of the options – the prisoner became more responsive as the options were presented.
We worked in a prisoners response – he talked – then our actor added reflections about what he had just done. We were really amazed by the emotions reflected. I can’t wait to show it to our community and beyond.
A prisoner’s dilemma resonates because in every relationship - sooner or later all of us run into choices we have to make when something goes wrong – communications break down – we are confronted by harsh realities about the consequences – we have to consider “blame” driving a perceived benefit – a betrayal of trust – suspicion about what the other side is going to do – decision made – relection – remorse – a sense of failure.
If we’re smart we don’t do something unlawful – break a contract – separate – a third party decision maker gives both of us a set of options creating a win lose – lose lose – decision point. We don’t know what the other side is going to decide.
So, some seemingly simple rules – establish and live by what the “rules” are in a relationship – don’t break them. Don’t be the first to abandon communications. Don’t resort to sanctions – I’m going to sue – I’m going to seek a divorce – in an approach to a relationship problem without considering what happens when we do – we are getting closer to a prisoner dilemma.
And if a relationship needs help - consider the pros and cons of turning over decision making to a third party. Consider working through a problem. If intercession is necessary consider the use of a neutral third party who works with you and your relationship partner where you maintain choice and decision making power. That can be a mediator.
