Have you just been surprised by a demand for divorce – shocked- stunned- emotionally devastated – didn’t see it coming? Spouse moves out – just leaves – and the world you knew comes apart. Confused as to what to do? This can’t be happening – how did we get to this point – is it my fault – worse yet,  do the kids think it’s my fault?

What to do? Who do I turn to? The relationship is changed, damaged, destroyed - most likely forever. Trust is broken.

When mediating cases in this arena the above become the realities mediators deal with for the people who are now our clients. Often it is the woman who wears demonstrates the feelings above. However, men are just more determined to mask their emotion – except anger and aggressiveness – even though they are just as torn up inside.

At times clients come in stating they just want to get it over. However, I have learned that before launching into the procedures and negotiations there is spade work to be done. Giving clients time to talk, asking probing questions, allowing even encouraging venting often bares underlying issues which need to be vetted before proceeding. Otherwise mediation is doomed from the get go.

Clients can be helped. If the issue is time – “lets’ just get this done” – we need to remind them this is their opportunity to get themselves on firm ground as for example as to what is happening to their relationship – other than the “I just don’t love you any more” or “I need to find myself” assertions which really sting.

Another helpful preparedness issue for clients even before mediation intercession is in preparing for mediation. Providing and explaining to clients the various steps and requirements in the process may be the first time they gain an appreciation for what needs to be done and is time consuming. In addition at least familiarizing themselves with the steps and processes involved relieves stress in off- handedly dreaming up unrealistic assumptions. Clients can, and should, can familiarize themselves with the steps and procedures beforehand through their family courts web site. From the site they can download many of the forms the court will actually utilize including doing sample calculations what they can expect to pay/receive in financial terms in areas like child support. For the assets and income they can mitigate conflict by understanding what has to be listed and they can bring the supporting data behind their numbers.

Then there are the children!  Almost all divorcing parents state the kids are most important but mediations fall apart because of a failure to agree on who gets the vacation home. Too often parenting is held hostage to the financial aspects of a divorce. Kids first??? And then there’s the custody issues – joint/sole – legal/physical – real issue or bargaining chip? – Divorcing parents really need to look inward on what’s in the best interest of the child and manifest their intentions to maintain such focus despite other issues which may come up during mediation. Even though it’s frustrating to me as a mediator it’s the clients role to decide how to proceed.

And finally, when clients come to mediation and they have not come to grips with their emotions which flare during mediation detrimentally to their own interests then the other side may even exploit or take advantage of their former spouses emotional state. Yes, it’s a mediators role to try and focus the parties on the issues – but that does not mean a mediator can control either sides emotions. Tears are often shed – it’s often sad – sometimes tragic – but the presumption is that the clients are there to negotiate on the issues they face and needs which must be filled to go their separate ways – unless the clients can find alternative ways to resolve their differences- even reconcile (extremely rare).

Going from being partners to partnering is almost always difficult. Where divorce is concerned, mediation can play a pivotal role in transforming the former partners, now in dispute, into a collaborative team - partnering, united, in guiding their children into maturity. However, the critical path and resolution to their issues is determined by the divorcing partners themselves with a little help from their ….