Attacking a mediator - just walk out?
An Upleasant Moment – What to Do?
What doe sit take to stop a mediation dead in its track? There are a variety of reasons. However, my least favorite is when a client attacks me or a co-mediator. Why because it has the potential, if not in fact, of robbing me and/or co-mediator of objectivity. When objectivity is lost – stop mediating a case.
At times an attack on a mediator comes about because that’s a clients, or their advocates, style. Sometimes it’s just a way to intimidate a mediator by putting them in their place or down. In every case clients take a risk when they make a decision to attack a mediator.
How bad an attack does it have to be or of what nature? That depends. We all wear skins of differing thickness. My skin can’t be so thin as to walk out every time I’m attacked. Does there have to be a line in the sand? I would suggest that when an attack does occur – it may be time for a pause, maybe a caucus, a one on one session with an attacker. A pause may be useful because it gives time to dampen emotions. A caucus my be useful because it may be a time to get a better understanding of underlying reasons why an attack occurred. However, watch out for manipulation by an attacker - to break rhythm, a disruption, or just a means by which to seek an advantage.
One thing not to do is to get drawn into an argument. Humor? Maybe. Diffuse, deflect - don’t ignore? Useful tactics if chosen to fit the moment and the nature of the attack. Don’t counterattack.
If you do walk out – be courteous enough to suggest or get someone else to handle this mediation. That way at least there is a chance a mediation may go forward and clients still leave satisfied. Do you have to justify why you walk out? I didn’t I just did – however we found a substitue. I remember a story from a dear friend who was a policeman who told me he and his partner made a bust – it turned out the busted person was a clergyman who struck his partner – my friends flashlight wound up on the clergymans head. I don’t recommend a physical reaction under any circumstances except self-defense.
However, do watch out for your co-mediator – support them – don’t let your ego rationalize justification of an attack and removal of your co-mediator – you would want the same support from your co-mediator.
People coming into mediation are often upset and they may stray into mediator attack because mediation of a case is not going the way they want it to go. Such frustration can be channeled and deflected – even used to advantage in getting parties to become collaborative – remember you don’t want clients to focus on each other – rather focus on the issues – and if you’re a means by which to have it occur – so be it – you’ll get over it.
Make sure that when ground rules are explained to your clients they understand what you mean by “don’t attack your mediator”. There may be consequences!
