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Mediate with LH, LLC
Keeping our foot out of our mouths
Choice of words or Phrases
Has anybody escaped a poor choice of words or phrases? Maybe the English language just offers too many choices for the same thing but when used can lead to unintended consequences. How many of us multitask while we’re writing e-mails and just after pushing the send button we realize we have used words which mix our thoughts together and what was meant to be written as positive reflection or comment, when read, turns out to be negative? Then comes a question about what do we do about it?
In any relationship saying the wrong thing can be damaging. In a conflict situation it destroys a moment or the whole negotiation. What’s are examples:
In a marriage encounter session, where couples reveal and discuss their feelings, there’s a question about what you as a husband feel is the best thing about your wife? Answering you feel she makes a good Mom for your kids is not the best choice. The encounter is to investigate how you feel about each other.
In an acting situation where an actor also picks up another actors part and dialogue and you want to praise them for their ability to do so with excellence does not read that way by saying: “with the other actors support and ‘some’ editing we were able to get 4.5 minutes of good video”. Those words convey a very negative message.
In a mediation one can think of many instances of words which do a lot of harm:
She works a lot but that hurts her ability to be a nurturing mother (when the real truth is she not only works but also does all the child rearing).
He has trouble with the truth (another way of saying he’s a liar).
She doesn’t know what she wants (meaning she doesn’t agree with me).
He’s just a part time worker (without revealing he has 3 part time jobs).
All of us inadvertently put our feet in our mouth.
So, what do we do about it? Accept the consequences? Retract what has been stated? Convince ourselves what was said was really what we meant to say? Deny it? Try and salvage a bit of dignity? Suffer in silence?
Unfortunately once spoken sometimes there is no retrieval, no going back, no retreat. That’s why a third party intermediary is often a good filter, a good cross check, a good defensive mechanism to keep, no matter how tempting, from saying the wrong thing. One way to utilize a third party is to go into separate session with a mediator who will often reflect or reframe what you’ve stated so you can better hear yourself in the moment. A mediator may ask you questions which might very well make you rethink what you’re trying to say. And, no matter if the third party is a mediator or a trusted friend going over the words or phrases you intend to utilize might save you from one of those “that’s the stupidest thing I have ever said”, moments all of us have, in a critical conflict situation.
